The other night, I pondered about who I am and how I deal with friendship and relate with people when the feeling of insecurity visited me. Thoughts of past rejection and grade school friendship hurts caused me to shed a couple of tear before I closed my eyes and fell asleep. What a way to shush oneself to sleep, you would say, right?
I would say that the way I woke up the day after was so much better. A vision of calmness, identity and dignity was my morning visitor. That's why.
In a dream, I had a vision of my Lolo Andy. We were all gathering to visit him in the ICU of a hospital. I could sense that his condition was bad because my Ate, Mom and Tita Mina were standing outside the ICU door with teary eyes and red noses. Instead of going straight to Lolo's room, Marvin, Jaz, and I with Polo went straight to our room (I wonder if one of us was sick because we had our own room). After settling down in our room, I found Polo awake so I decided to bring him with me to visit Lolo.
When we entered Lolo's room, everyone else was busy eating and chatting as if it were a merienda gathering. I looked to the hospital bed and only saw my cousins and Tita's sitting on the bed so I asked for Lolo. "Gising pa ba siya, gising pa ba siya?" (Is he still awake, is he still awake?) was what I asked everyone in an almost panicky tone. No one actually answered me. They all gave me a certain look as if asking me to rephrase my question. I only understood their weird gazes at me when I finally found Lolo, sitting on a chair quite far from his bed. He turned to face me with a smile that answered my concern. Yes, I am so much awake as I am alive. He held his own paper plate filled with Filipino merienda. Relieved and a bit surprised, I greeted him and presented Polo to him for the first time (In my dream, Polo is as old as he is now -- 4 months old). Lolo acknowledged Polo without saying a word and smiled at me. After a few minutes in the room, Polo and I left the room as if our mission was accomplished.
His hair was all white and shaved. His face was clear from facial hair. His eyebrows and eyelashes were dark black. He was pretty much healthy and well. What struck me about the vision was his eyes. They were clear blue, the color of a calm clean sea. When I looked into them, my inner being was calmed and at peace.
As soon as the dream ended, I woke up and cried. This is the second time Lolo Andy visited me in a dream. At both instances, I ended up crying. I cry because I am touched by his presence. Thinking of him and even encountering him in my subconsciousness, puts me at ease. Maybe this is because thoughts of him remind me of the heritage of values and integrity he left for us to live and the abundant treasure of talents and passion his blood line has given us as inheritance.
My vision of him seems to oppose my feelings of insecurity. It seems that he visits my dreams to remind me to hold my head up and be secure in knowing that I am a unlike most. I am my own, unique and special. :)
No comments:
Post a Comment